I feel like the more I share truth the more people I lose in my life. Man, that is so.very.hard for a people lover.. . a person who truly means it when I say I love someone. When I share my heart with someone I get attached very deeply. It is no longer a surface thing for me. About a year and a half ago this happened. I lost someone very dear to me. I was just actually sharing truth with her about some things other people had said. It wasn't even Biblical truth, just some things I thought she should know so she would understand why I was responding the way that I was. Now. . . 1-1/2 years later, thankfully forgiveness has taken place and all is well. However, the bond that we once shared is broken. Will it ever be restored? I'm not really sure. I've rested that in the Lord's hands. Maybe we were just apart of one another's lives for "such a time as this". Anyway, I'm just so very grateful there are no more hard feelings, and I'm grateful for the 8 years of friendship we shared. We even met at the pool once this summer and the kiddos played and we chatted. It wasn't weird or awkward. It was actually good. I've come to peace with the way things are now and I'm sure she has to. HARD though .. . . very.very.very HARD
Well, this has taken place once again except the wound was much deeper, and it happens to be with my sister. I don't think she reads my blog or otherwise I wouldn't be posting this. I knew something was up with her when I would try to share about Guyana with her. It was obvious she didn't want to hear it. I mean she was good with me telling her stories of customs, Kathleen, etc. (all of which I will share on here soon), but when it came to stories of the heart, ways God had convicted me. . . she just didn't want to hear it. She was never ugly or mean, just obvious. I tried to be sensitive to this.
About 2 weeks ago she was having a really rough day. I got really personal and asked her how her walk with the Lord was. . .and from there shared His words with her, not my own (because He promises His will not return void). I even shared with her my own struggles and my own convictions. If anything I was putting myself down, certainly not elevating myself. From there, it just went downhill. She said some things to me that hurt me deeply. No need to rehearse those things on here. Let's just say the knife went deep and it hurt. . . to the point of tears. I don't know what her intent was. . . if she was just angry with what I was sharing and so she wanted to hurt me. . . OR if she really believes those things about me. When I hung up the phone I knew instantly things had changed. She did send me a text apologizing for hurting my feelings, not for the things she had said. However, true biblical forgiveness doesn't ask for an apology or even need an apology. I'm still such a work in progress. A man I have a lot of respect for once said to me, "I make it a habit to forgive as soon as I'm offended.. . . to which often times I forget the offense. There is power in forgiveness." It is also a command from our Lord. Because if we are to forgive as the Lord forgave us then we remember the offense no more. . . therefore, the relationship should be restored back to normal, if not closer because of restoration is such an act of love.
Oh boy have I prayed, searched my heart, asked the Lord to search my heart, to convict me. The very last thing I want to be is the words she spoke to me!! My heart was truly to help and encourage her. I think that's why I was so hurt. Don't get me wrong, I know I can be a snot, but usually I know when I'm doing it and I actually mean to be doing it. Not this time.
I've actually made efforts to call her. I hate distance and fighting. I really do grovel back to people to seek restoration. We will talk. Things are surfacey. We even saw one another Sun. night to celebrate James' birthday. I could tell she was trying to be "normal" with us. I, on the other hand, didn't have very much to say. Not because I am mad at her. Simply because I don't know what to say. I have a really hard time with being close to someone and feeling like certain things are "off limits" for conversation. This is how our relationship is for now. So, my question to myself is "Have I truly forgiven her?" Obviously I'm trying to navigate her feelings and not say certain things based on the things she said to me. Is forgiving forgetting?
I tried calling her yesterday so we could talk about these things. She didn't answer. I sent her a message via Facebook. I really hated to do that, but if she's not going to talk to me I had to tell her how much I missed her and how much I hate this distance. I even called her husband. He didn't answer my call either. Parts of the message where very direct, but needed to be said. But the overall message was that I love her and miss her . . . plain and simple. She never responded.
I just cried and cried to Jon yesterday telling him my frustrations. Very few people actually really want to talk about the Lord. Very few people really want to struggle together. So many people are offended when you really start to share what God is doing in your.actual.heart. . . where HE is convicting you, where HE is growing you, where HE is moving and working. People want to stay on the surface. But, if we are going to be effective in being His ambassadors, do we just stay on the surface? I don't think so. I'm at a point in my life. . . me. . . "Ms talk about anything or everything" that the superficial, surface talk I can't do anymore. I'm just quiet. So.very.unlike.me. . . . to be quiet, that is! Yet, I am finding the more truth you share, the more people you lose. And God so very gently reminds me I am still to share truth. . . to be salt and light. . and if that means I lose those I love dearly in the process. . . then I am to count ALL things as loss for the sake of knowing Him and for the glory of His name.
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