I've always been an overachiever. Ask my mom. In school I made really good grades. I participated in as many clubs, extracurricular
activities as my parents would allow. This is just part of who I am . . . a part of me that I struggle with ALOT.
After all, what woman, in her right mind would work a job of 30 hours a week plus
homeschool 3 kids, along with being
superinvolved in each of their activities including guitar, soccer, and ballet . . . oh yeah . . . and volunteering my time at church? Go, go, go has always been the mode I've functioned in. Please don't misunderstand me. I am certainly
NOT bragging on myself. This is more of a struggle for me than anything. Why is it so hard for me to slow down?
I don't know what makes me this way . . . Maybe I'm trying to prove a point? Maybe because I think I can do most anything? Maybe because I'm trying to win approval? I don't quite know why. One time I read this lady's blog, and she was listing 50 random facts about herself . . . she and I had very similar characteristics . . . two of those being an overachiever and growing up with an alcoholic father . . . I thought these 2 things together were a very interesting combination.
Maybe subconsciously I'm trying to win his approval? My mom, sisters, husband, and children love me unconditionally, and this is something I don't question. My Dad has always bragged on hard work, equating down-time with laziness. Maybe this is bred in me more than I know? I don't know. I'm just thinking
out loud here. Maybe there is a little girl inside of me who wants her Dad to say, "I'm proud of you."
Sometimes I'm not very nice to myself. I really expect
alot of myself in the area of hard work. I go on little sleep, push myself physically to the limit . . . and when I just can't take anymore of me being so hard on me . . .I explode in a pool of tears. . . and it is always the littlest of things that will set those tears off.
This is what happened today. I've been working like crazy around here . . . not stopping until I sleep. Go, going, going all day long. And, when I say not stopping, I mean that . . . I think I would even stand up some days to eat lunch . . . just so I can get more than what I should accomplished . .. then I feel proud at the end of the day . . . and, all for what? EXHAUSTION?!?!
Sometimes I just don't get myself very much . . . that is what I'm trying to figure out. Why am I not nicer to myself . . . and give myself a break here and there? If someone is here working, I feel I should be working also.
When the
sheetrock guys came to fix our ceiling I told Jon we couldn't watch TV when they were here, I'd feel bad if they were working and I wasn't. He reminded me they were getting paid to do a job.
When I cried because I was exhausted, Jon so gently and tenderly told me to go and take a nap. I told him not to worry about working on the house. . . . that I'd feel bad if he was down here working and I was napping.
When my in-laws come over and work in our yard . . . again, I feel terrible . . . . even if it is 9:00 at night (my MIL is a
night owl) if they are working and I'm not.
This is such a self-induced pressure. No one makes me feel this way but myself. . .
ugghh . . . the monster in my mind that I
battle with over this.
I really want to be a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person. I have to make myself slow down. I'm trying . . . really trying . . . it is just so hard, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Jon is a really easy-going, laid back person. Sometimes I really envy this trait in him. I really want to be this way . . . but no matter how hard I try I always go back to the high strung, stressed out, gotta accomplish 500 things in a day to do. Jon's personality traits are typical of the baby in the family, and he is the baby. Does this whole thing really have to do with birth order?
Any ideas out there? Does anyone have these same struggles? Kevin Lehman has a book out called, "The First Born Advantage." I know some of my traits are typical first-born traits. Is this why I am the way I am?
I really have wanted this book for awhile, but when I slow down enough to read I'm so very, very tired, I fall asleep. Seriously, when my head hits the pillow at night I'm asleep in less than 5 minutes.