I've always been an overachiever. Ask my mom. In school I made really good grades. I participated in as many clubs, extracurricular activities as my parents would allow. This is just part of who I am . . . a part of me that I struggle with ALOT.
After all, what woman, in her right mind would work a job of 30 hours a week plus homeschool 3 kids, along with being superinvolved in each of their activities including guitar, soccer, and ballet . . . oh yeah . . . and volunteering my time at church? Go, go, go has always been the mode I've functioned in. Please don't misunderstand me. I am certainly NOT bragging on myself. This is more of a struggle for me than anything. Why is it so hard for me to slow down?
I don't know what makes me this way . . . Maybe I'm trying to prove a point? Maybe because I think I can do most anything? Maybe because I'm trying to win approval? I don't quite know why. One time I read this lady's blog, and she was listing 50 random facts about herself . . . she and I had very similar characteristics . . . two of those being an overachiever and growing up with an alcoholic father . . . I thought these 2 things together were a very interesting combination.
Maybe subconsciously I'm trying to win his approval? My mom, sisters, husband, and children love me unconditionally, and this is something I don't question. My Dad has always bragged on hard work, equating down-time with laziness. Maybe this is bred in me more than I know? I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe there is a little girl inside of me who wants her Dad to say, "I'm proud of you."
Sometimes I'm not very nice to myself. I really expect alot of myself in the area of hard work. I go on little sleep, push myself physically to the limit . . . and when I just can't take anymore of me being so hard on me . . .I explode in a pool of tears. . . and it is always the littlest of things that will set those tears off.
This is what happened today. I've been working like crazy around here . . . not stopping until I sleep. Go, going, going all day long. And, when I say not stopping, I mean that . . . I think I would even stand up some days to eat lunch . . . just so I can get more than what I should accomplished . .. then I feel proud at the end of the day . . . and, all for what? EXHAUSTION?!?!
Sometimes I just don't get myself very much . . . that is what I'm trying to figure out. Why am I not nicer to myself . . . and give myself a break here and there? If someone is here working, I feel I should be working also.
When the sheetrock guys came to fix our ceiling I told Jon we couldn't watch TV when they were here, I'd feel bad if they were working and I wasn't. He reminded me they were getting paid to do a job.
When I cried because I was exhausted, Jon so gently and tenderly told me to go and take a nap. I told him not to worry about working on the house. . . . that I'd feel bad if he was down here working and I was napping.
When my in-laws come over and work in our yard . . . again, I feel terrible . . . . even if it is 9:00 at night (my MIL is a night owl) if they are working and I'm not.
This is such a self-induced pressure. No one makes me feel this way but myself. . . ugghh . . . the monster in my mind that I battle with over this.
I really want to be a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person. I have to make myself slow down. I'm trying . . . really trying . . . it is just so hard, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Jon is a really easy-going, laid back person. Sometimes I really envy this trait in him. I really want to be this way . . . but no matter how hard I try I always go back to the high strung, stressed out, gotta accomplish 500 things in a day to do. Jon's personality traits are typical of the baby in the family, and he is the baby. Does this whole thing really have to do with birth order?
Any ideas out there? Does anyone have these same struggles? Kevin Lehman has a book out called, "The First Born Advantage." I know some of my traits are typical first-born traits. Is this why I am the way I am?
I really have wanted this book for awhile, but when I slow down enough to read I'm so very, very tired, I fall asleep. Seriously, when my head hits the pillow at night I'm asleep in less than 5 minutes.
6 comments:
I can so relate. I am a first born and a child of an alcoholic father. I can honestly say as you get older you make yourself stop. I first started having a closer walk with God and decided he is my God no one else and he loves me no matter what. I also see the older I get I was wearing my body and health down. I also realized that my husband and children were terribly spoiled to the point it was unhealthy so I started letting go!
Balance is my favorite word!
You can have it all as a woman~just not at the same time!
Blessings~
Carrie
I just read this post and thought I would share it with you. It is so good! Exhausted Moms~
http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/
You gotta' get off that crazy train, sister. You're not doing it for anyone except for a voice in your head that lies to you and says you have to.
Kick that voice to the curb.
Anyone who matters to you knows your work ethic, and they probably would want to tell you that it's okay to sit down and put your feet up. They'd probably want to do it with you.
oh my sweet friend...
I wish you could take some time, relax, do nothing and ENJOY it!!
It's so worth it. It feels so good. I am going to start praying specifically over this in your life...
I think I'm more like Jon b/c I was the baby (primarily) and I just KNOW when I've had my limits and MUST stop, yet I get the approval thing, for sure and needing to get it all done...but all that stuff will be there AFTER the rest, the stopping, the quiet...it's not going anywhere.
I love you and you ARE NOT your father's words. They are words from a man whose disappointed and hurt you (although he's taught you good things along the way)and you live by Jesus' words not his and Jesus' words say "come to me all you who are weary and I WILL GIVE YOU REST"...He commands it, honey, so it's ok to DO it. Rest, peace and quiet are scriptural and Christ Himself experienced those things.
I expect a cry-call next time you feel this way and I'll belt Angela out to you and make you laugh and remind you of these things.
I love you!
From first born to first born:
Your significance is not in what you do, but in who you are....which is completely enough!
I used to have a panic attack if there were blank spots on my calendar, or if somebody needed me and I couldn't be there to help, or if my house looked like somebody actually lived in it...for me it was about control, and trying to gather significance in ways that are self-defeating.
I've read the Search for Significance about 4 times, and will certainly read it again in the years to come. I highly recommend it.
Hang in there friend!
Hi! I'm visiting from Frugal and Fabulous. I've read several of your post and I really like your blog. The letter to your Papa had me in tears. SO sweet. I am a first-born also. So I can relate to many of the things you said in this post. I try, try, try to not be such a perfectionist, but it's hard. I just rely on God to get me through my battles. One day at a time is my newly adoopted moto.
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