Bumpy Waters & Dying to Self

If I had to use 2 words to sum up our week it would have to be bumpy waters. It's been one rough week. I know I have mentioned once or twice before about a family member who I love very much who has had a tough time with his health lately. Quite honestly, I've been hesitant to blog about it because he is a well-known member of our community, and I really don't know who reads my blog that lives around here. So, in order to respect his privacy and avoid the "rumor mill" I just haven't felt free to blog out it.

However, just briefly, my father-in-law, who I am just crazy about, was admitted to the hospital on Monday night. Tuesday, Hanna and I went to be with him, and let's just say, I was extremely emotional. I tend to be that way in moments of crises. I just am not one to hold it together. I cry and cry alot. . . I'm just one of those girls who believes crying is good for the soul.

Wednesday the kids and I were back there and Jon had been going by there after he worked. . . putting him getting home between 9:00 and 9:30 every night. May not sound like much, but his alarm buzzes at 5:00 a.m. every morning, and it has been rough on him.

We really all were afraid Jon's Dad had liver cancer. Wednesday morning Jon called and our conversation went as follows:

Jon: "Hey Babe, I just talked to Mom, and she was crying so hard I couldn't understand her."

Jon starts choking up . . .

Me: "Jon, I can't understand you. Please calm down. I can't hear you."

Jon: "Mom's got me crying. The surgeon said after doing Dad's liver biopsy she just knew he had cancer. She was up off and on during the night wondering how in the world she was going to tell our family that he has cancer. She got to the hospital this morning and the pathologist told her he was 99% positive it was not cancer. The surgeon hugged his neck. He told her he didn't expect that kind of response. Dad just has lesions on his liver and a really bad infection. They are going to clear it up with antibiotics."

Halfway through this I was bawling. We all were rejoicing and praising the LORD. As I was talking to Jon my mother-in-law was beeping in. I called her back and she and I shared tears together.

We had a really good visit at the hospital with Jon's Dad. He is on some pain medication so he is pretty funny.

When life like this happens I tend to squeeze it all in. . . I still worked this week. I still homeschooled the kids. We still went to basketball practice, swim practice, soccer practice, dancing lessons, ballet, and church. Honestly, I am slap worn out.

So today we had planned a field trip to a museum with some of our homeschool friends. I was quite excited about it. This morning was awfully rocky. In fact, I was downright mean to my kids.

Total exhaustion + argumentative Ashley + Alec and Ashley fussing = 1 mean mom. The kind of mean that makes me look like a raving lunatic.

Thankfully though I have very forgiving kids. Yes, I am one of those mom's that apologizes to my kids and asks their forgiveness when I have wronged them. I also asked Jesus to forgive me. I talked with each of the kids about how it makes them feel when I yell at them. Hanna is my child I have to pull things out of. My conversation with her went as follows:

Me: "Hanna, I'm sorry for yelling this morning. I was really ugly and I'm very sorry. I love you very much. How did it make you feel when I was yelling?"

Hanna shrugged her shoulders.

Me: "Did it make you mad or hurt your feelings?"

Hanna: "No, it just hurt my ears."

After my crazy fit of meanness, I started blowdrying my hair to get ready to go to the field trip. My mom calls me and asks me to drive her to the airport. My sister was having her gallbladder taken out and she needed my mom ASAP. So all of my plans for today were changed in seconds.

No field trip + crying/disappointed kids + exhausted mom = BAD STINKY ATTITUDE

God has really been teaching me a lot about dying to self lately. Sometimes I am able to do this gracefully and with joy. Other times I do it, but I do it kicking and screaming. That was me today . . . kicking and screaming. You know how bad it is when you have already chugged down a pot of coffee all to yourself and you are wondering how you are going to put one foot in front of the other because you are so tired. I certainly didn't mind helping my mom so that she could be with my sister. I just was very selfish today and was thinking of how exhausted I was. . . . . I, I, I. . . . Me, Me, Me. Well, I really stunk today, especially my attitude.

I know I've had a few negative posts lately. Please don't think I'm a "Negative Nelly." It has just been rough lately.

I need to learn to let go of things when life starts throwing things at me . . . that it's okay to miss a sports practice or homeschool or church, if need be.

I need to learn to die to myself gracefully and with joy and that life's interruptions are God's opportunities.

Praise God though, today was Jon's last day of working ALL the time for awhile. I've been a single Mom for 4 weeks now, so I'm very thankful we will be getting back to our regular schedule.

Hope you all have a great weekend!