Father's Day - Part 1

This year Father's Day will be broken up into 2 parts . . . first I'll start with the bad . . . but then end on the good . . . so definitely come back and read part 2. . .

With that being said, I have to start out by saying for as long as my memory goes back I have been a Daddy's girl. Loving him to the very best of my ability, being his biggest cheerleader, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS being on his side and, worst, making excuses for him.

I am a pretty merciful person . . .but I always carried it extra far when it came to my Daddy.

I don't know what makes people what we all refer to as "Mama's girl" or "Daddy's girl". But, I do believe God, Himself, orchestrates our hearts this way for one reason or another. I just happened to have a heart that was just crazy about my Daddy . . . not because he deserves it . . . because it doesn't. It's just been that way always.

Let me give you a short history lesson on my Dad. I believe he happens to be the worst case scenario. He believes he is a Christian. The Bible tells us in Matthew 7:20 that we will be known by our fruits. The Bible also tells us that we will turn from our sin (1 John 3:6-10). There is no evidence of this in my Dad's life at all. I've tried to talk to him, love him, lead by example, and most importantly pray for him . . . but he has not changed.

My attitude towards my Dad changed about two years ago. My family and I had just returned from a trip to Disney World and I had, what seemed like, thousands of voice mails. They were from my Dad's wife. She was playing recordings to me of voice mails he'd left to her. I thought to myself, "Who is this monster?" "How can he say those awful things?" "What possesses him to talk this way?" These are messages that are forever seared on my heart and my mind. At that point I totally and completely released him to God. My constant prayer over him became very simple, "God, do Your Will in his life." Simple and straight to the point. I think because he could be a pretty decent person when he was around me made me believe the lie that he was close to accepting Christ. I had been very deceived!!!

Since then my heart towards him has changed also. I'm no longer afraid of him, as I have been all of my life. My Dad is an alcoholic, drug user, and I grew up with him abusing my mom and stepmom. He has NEVER EVER laid a hand on my sister or I, but the fear that he would was always there.

I can remember as a little girl closing my door at night, laying on my stomach, and putting many covers over me . . . thinking this would keep him for hurting me. There were times when I would fall asleep to the screams and cries of my stepmom. I can remember him hitting my mom in a parking lot. I can remember him coming home and shooting a gun in the house. I can remember sneaking out of my bedroom window with my pregnant mom because she was so afraid of him. I remember him pulling a knife on her and me getting in-between them. I can also remember finding what I called, "bags of grass" and hiding them in the couch . . . hoping if he didn't find them, then maybe he'd stop. I can remember finding a bottle and syringe on the back of the toilet, calling my mom and her calling the pharmacist to find out what he was shooting through his veins. It was steroids.

As a teenager, my memories of him are times of him cussing me out for not being at home enough, my stepmom calling me telling me he'd been drinking and to please spend the night with a friend or my grandparents.

But slowly and surely my fear of him is gone. . . and because of that I am able to boldly speak the truth to him. Now that doesn't mean I'm not nervous or butterflies aren't nesting in my stomach . . . but the words are able to make it from my heart to my mouth.

A few weeks ago he called and left me a voicemail cussing me out. There were no tears this time. No anger. No resentment. I knew I had to let him know he was wrong. When this had happened in the past I'd call him soon and in my bubbliest, sweetest voice act like everything was okay . . . never, ever addressing how he had just spoken to me.

Not this time though. This Father's Day is different. For the first time in my 32 years of life I will not be speaking to my Dad on this Day that was set aside to honor him. Instead, I sent him a card, and this is what it said:

"Dad, I got your message the other day. I love you and you are still my Dad. However, I don't know how to respond or even if I want to respond to a message like that. In the past, a message like that would have sent me into tears. When I heard this message I didn't feel anything. I was just numb. I love you enough to tell you the truth, and, the truth is, it is not appropriate to talk to people this way. I refuse to shut you out of my life, nor am I angry with you. But, you have to know that this is not okay. I know that you were angry because you feel like Melissa and I do not call you often enough. However, we all lead busy lives, and truth-be-known, my life has been so crazy lately with our move, that those I have talked to, get in touch with me. Praying for you always. Know that I love you!Michele"

The thing I struggle with the most is still being obedient to my LORD. I am still commanded to honor my father and mother (Exodus 20:12). I have an open heart and mind, and I'm not offended easily. If any one of you have any thoughts on this, please feel free to share.

I wondered if it was dishonoring him to put this out there for everyone to read. But, this blog is my journal. I haven't purposely meant to dishonor him, but I want to be able to look back and see what this day was like. I could have privately noted it. . . but you never know if someone else is dealing with the same issue also. I've never talked disrespectfully to my Dad, and I don't intend to. . . any ideas or further thoughts on this?

If you notice on my profile I say I feel like I have a real-life Cinderella story . . . . understand now why I say that?