What am I doing?

I mean, for real, what am I really doing?  One part of me has such an amazing peace. . .an anticipation, an excitement.

Yet the other side?

I'm telling you I never, ever, ever, never, ever, never, ever saw myself ever leaving USA soil. . . never had the desire. . . always felt the mission was HERE (I still do think that).  After all, it wasn't until I was almost 32 years old that I boarded an airplane for the first time. . .and now, in five weeks, Uganda?????

I almost feel like I'm in a dream. . . . things seem foggy.

I keep telling the Lord, "I just can't believe this."

Often times that is how it is. . . isn't that what He does. . . gives us moments, events, etc. that leave us mouth wide open saying, "I can't believe this."

Even the fact that I, "Ms. I'm a control freak, never want to leave my kids within my grasp (or a car ride, at least), fearful one", went to Guyana last summer still just blows my mind.

And then I remember, the sweetness, the intimacy with the Lord, the things He taught me, is still teaching me, and I long for that again.  . . .

Yet, here, here is where the 4 I hold dearest in the world. . . here is where they are.  My heart feels like it is going to bust out of my chest when I think that in roughly five weeks I will be setting foot on African soil. . .

Heart busting out of my chest with me going.

Heart busting out of my chest if I didn't go.

Oxymoron, huh? That's me. . . right here, right now. . .

I must go.  I can't not go.  I will be restless, I will be wondering, I will be void of peace if I don't go.

Yet, I still battle with my flesh.

I remember leading up to going to Guyana being the same way.  I've already checked our flight itinerary over and over again.  I've checked out the airline.  I've gone through a million and one "What If's?" concerning my children and their safety (although I know they are in great hands).

Yet, I have this once-in-a lifetime, incredible opportunity to love on children in a remote impoverished school, to teach them stories from the Bible, to teach women the word of God, to teach teenagers the word of God. . . an opportunity to "make disciples of all nations".  And the longing, pleading desperate prayer of my heart is that the goal of my instruction will be love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith (1 Tim. 1:5), that they will see Christ and not some white, freckled, redhead from the United States, that I will serve these precious people with the servitude of Christ Himself.