Dear Doctor

Dear Doctor, on behalf of all of the women out there, I feel the need to let you know what we, as women, go through in order to come and see you once a year. Although we may not appear to have gone through much when you examine us . . . trust me, doc . . . we put LOTS of effort into coming to see you.



Dear Doctor, I have a confession to make. . . . I don't wash my hair everyday. You see it resembles the coarseness of a horse's tail. . . so in order for it to appear more like a woman's head of hair I only wash it every other day and . . . yes, sometimes every 3rd day. But for you, dear doctor, I wash my hair the morning before I come to see you . . . even if it means my hair looking like Mr. Ed's tail.



Dear Doctor, normally when I get out of the shower I use coconut oil as a moisturizer. Yes, I'm one of those patients who does not like chemicals and things of such . . . so I go the more natural route to moisturize with coconut oil. However, not today, dear doctor. I did not want you to be thinking about Kentucky Fried Chicken while you examined me due to the odor of my moisturizer. So, for you, dear doctor, I pulled out the good stuff . . . my Bath and Body Works lotion.

Dear Doctor, I must confess to you that not every. single. day are all parts of my body completely shaved with a fresh razor. But for you, dear doctor, from my toes to my feet, from my lower legs to my upper legs, under arms and bikini line . . . yes, freshly shaven with a new razor . . . just for you, dear doctor.

Dear Doctor, the last 6 weeks of my life have been in a whirlwind, so there has been no time for a pedicure. I know you must pay close attention to women's feet when they are in the stirrups. But, this morning, for you dear doctor, I pulled out my Ped Egg, gave my feet a good scrubbing, and painted my toenails . . . just for you.

Dear Doctor, although I know the first time you see me, you will not see me clothed . . . however, I still wanted to look very cute and accessorized . . . secretly hoping, of course . . . that the exam could just be done with my clothes on . . . . after all, they're so cute . . . why should they be off my body draped over a chair in the bathroom?

Dear Doctor, please know that many of us women do not eat all day before we come and see you. Yes, some of us have to be fasting for blood work. But, some of us chose not to eat until after we've stepped on this "annual scales." You see, it is very important to many of us women that those weight numbers are less or at least the same as they were the last time we saw you.

Dear Doctor, it makes me terribly nervous when I go to get ready for the exam . . . and all I have is this . . .

and a sheet to drape over my lap. The butterflies, moths, flies, gnats, birds, and anything else that flies starts up in my stomach and I can't make them stop. My heart starts racing like it is preparing for the Winston Cup Race.

Dear Doctor, please know that I chose my accessories very carefully today. I chose the necklace and earrings that were big and bulky. For some strange reason. . . . they made me feel less naked.

Dear Doctor, I must tell you that when you walk into the room and we women seem to be overjoyed to see you . . . please do not be deceived and think that we are happy to see you. For many of us women, coming to see you once a year is the only time we have without our children. We are so elated to be alone that we can't wipe the smiles off our faces. I just do not want you to be misled and think that we love coming to have a breast exam, pelvic exam, and Pap smear. No offense.

Dear Doctor, I must say that this week was one of the better weeks for me to come and see you. Since it is the week before my period I am retaining water and my boobs are perkier this week than normal. That way when you do my breast exam and see my "breast-fed 3 babies, deflated-tire" looking boobs, I am not all paranoid and thinking in my head, "I wonder if he is thinking this poor girl's husband."

Dear Doctor, thank you so very much for not scolding me when you asked what form of birth control we are using . . . and I told you a wing and a prayer. When you asked if we wanted more children and I replied, "Heck no," thank you for NOT saying, "Do you know what causes babies?" I assure you dear doctor, my husband is Quick Draw McGraw . . . and we will be fine. Thank you for being so understanding when I explained to you that a few years ago we talked about Jon having a vasectomy. But, after he had his root canal and passed out, and they had to call the paramedics to the dentist's office, we then decided a vasectomy was out of the question.

Dear Doctor, thank you for employing my very favorite nurse in the whole world and allowing her the rest of the day off so we could have lunch together, go to the bookstore, and go see my grandparents. Thank you for doing such a fine job of delivering 2 of my babies and for taking care of me for the last 16 years. You. . . dear doctor . . . have certainly been very dear to me!