What am I doing?

I mean, for real, what am I really doing?  One part of me has such an amazing peace. . .an anticipation, an excitement.

Yet the other side?

I'm telling you I never, ever, ever, never, ever, never, ever saw myself ever leaving USA soil. . . never had the desire. . . always felt the mission was HERE (I still do think that).  After all, it wasn't until I was almost 32 years old that I boarded an airplane for the first time. . .and now, in five weeks, Uganda?????

I almost feel like I'm in a dream. . . . things seem foggy.

I keep telling the Lord, "I just can't believe this."

Often times that is how it is. . . isn't that what He does. . . gives us moments, events, etc. that leave us mouth wide open saying, "I can't believe this."

Even the fact that I, "Ms. I'm a control freak, never want to leave my kids within my grasp (or a car ride, at least), fearful one", went to Guyana last summer still just blows my mind.

And then I remember, the sweetness, the intimacy with the Lord, the things He taught me, is still teaching me, and I long for that again.  . . .

Yet, here, here is where the 4 I hold dearest in the world. . . here is where they are.  My heart feels like it is going to bust out of my chest when I think that in roughly five weeks I will be setting foot on African soil. . .

Heart busting out of my chest with me going.

Heart busting out of my chest if I didn't go.

Oxymoron, huh? That's me. . . right here, right now. . .

I must go.  I can't not go.  I will be restless, I will be wondering, I will be void of peace if I don't go.

Yet, I still battle with my flesh.

I remember leading up to going to Guyana being the same way.  I've already checked our flight itinerary over and over again.  I've checked out the airline.  I've gone through a million and one "What If's?" concerning my children and their safety (although I know they are in great hands).

Yet, I have this once-in-a lifetime, incredible opportunity to love on children in a remote impoverished school, to teach them stories from the Bible, to teach women the word of God, to teach teenagers the word of God. . . an opportunity to "make disciples of all nations".  And the longing, pleading desperate prayer of my heart is that the goal of my instruction will be love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith (1 Tim. 1:5), that they will see Christ and not some white, freckled, redhead from the United States, that I will serve these precious people with the servitude of Christ Himself.

My True Self

It's not when I sacrificially on the day that is to honor mother's everywhere. . . stay up all night, calmly love on my sick child. . . my true self is reveled when we are on day four of this mess and I've been up from 1:30 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.  I can chose to speak with gentleness and kindness or be a bear to anyone who looks my way.

It's not when I say, "Yes, sweetie" to allow Hanna and Noelle to rummage through my closet, shoes, and accessories to play dress up . . . my true self is revealed when the next day when I'm running late for a lunch date with a friend and I can't find what I had planned on wearing.  I can either not hurry and stop and be thankful or throw the blame Hanna's way.

It's not that I'm going on a mission trip to Uganda. . . my true self is revealed when someone has hurt my feelings saying something negatively about me going.  I can either pray for my friend and forgive them or allow my emotions and feelings to get the best of me and distance myself from them. 

It's not when my sweet 9th and 10th grade girls come up to me at church to tell me something serious, silly, or just that they love me. . . my true self is revealed when someone calls me worldly because of the way I dress and I either react in kindness and turn the other cheek or I react in anger out of hurt feelings. 

Capital Page

This year Alec got to go and be a page for our representative. It was such a neat experience, and I'm so glad we all got to experience it. Better yet, we got to experience it with friends.

Cookie Dough

It's Just Amazing to Me How God Uses People

Last night we had a "soup social" at our church. We have this precious friend, who I think everyone needs a friend like this man in their life. . . Mr. John C. This man loves the LORD so very much. When Jon was looking for a job and we had no idea where our next paycheck was coming from, Mr. John stopped Jon while he was going up the stairs at church. . . told him he had no idea what he's going through, and then started praying over Jon right there in the midst of everyone changing from Sunday School to church.

One day he stopped me in the parking lot while we were waiting to hear about Jon's Jacksonville job. . . he asked me if Jon would want this job if he wasn't under financial pressures.. . that way he would know how to pray.

Just a precious man of God! He and his wife BOTH!!! I just love them to pieces and am so very thankful for them!!!

So. . . last night he goes up to my Jon and said, "Before you and Michele leave I need to speak with both of you".

Well, we're all about closing down the church when it comes to socials . . .hee!hee! There weren't many people tehre so we went to Mr. John. He put us both in front of him "so he could see our faces", and told us some things God had laid on his heart to tell us.

This will probably sound very self serving. Please know this is not the intent of this post. I just need to document it so I won't forget it. I also will hope it will encourage anyone who reads this blog of mine to be bold and encourage people!!! You just never know what it may do for them!

He told us that we both had a way about people. . . a very warm way of approaching people that makes people let their guard down. When people say they are 'fine' they don't really mean it and Jon and I had God-given gifts that made people feel at ease with us so they feel more "open". He said this is very rare in a married couple for both people to be this way. He told us so when we share things or tell people things and we feel rejected (you'd think he'd been reading my blog. . . wouldn't you? Thing is, he doesn't even know I have a blog).. . then they are not really rejecting us. They are rejected the truth we are sharing with them. Then, he prayed the sweetest prayer over both Jon and I . . . just praying for us as being ambassdors of Christ, of using the gifts that God Himself has given us. I was so very moved I can really hardly remember anything he said. . . probably best (that way I don't think too much of myself). . . but the Lord knows.

I really do believe that the LORD told Mr. John to say these things to Jon and I. God is doing some really remarkable things in our hearts. . . and hopefully and prayerfully some of the things He's leading us to do, we will be obedient to do. I just can't wait to share them here on my blog. . . it's not time yet though! Even just more remarkable is the power of God in Jon's life right now. It is absolutely AMAZING to me the change that has taken place in Jon. I'm more head over heels in love with him than I've ever been!

With the things to come. . . much sacrifice will be required. . . talk about losing our lives in order to gain it . . .

Under Attack

I really feel at this time like my family is undergoing some sort of spiritual attack by Satan. I've been thinking up until now that we were just being tested . .. that is until last night. Amanda at the LPM (Beth Moore)'s blog posted about being under attack. Here is what I commented on their post, with that sums up how life has been lately.

I can definitely see the attack of Satan on my family as well. Financially we are strained (hubby is in real estate) . . . which at times causes tension b/t he and I. I homeschool and work and I have been extremely overwhelmed.. . . more than normal. My hubby and I feel very strongly about homeschooling, so the kids going to school is not an option . .. yet b/c of our economy we really need my income (this also causes more tension b/t us). My kids even seem to be fighting more than normal.

And then. . . last night. . . after we got home from church, my 12 yo son called me in his room... he was in a pool of tears telling me he is having all of these bad thoughts about God . . . thoughts that he does not even know where they come from. . . thoughts like,"God is the one who deserves hell," or "I should die so that I can go to Hell." Bless his sweet heart . . . he said, "Mom, I'm afraid enough of dying and going to heaven. . . I certainly don't want to go to hell." He said even as the associate pastor was preaching on prayer last night he kept having these thoughts. He said he just put his face in between his legs and said, "Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus."

First of all I told him He needed to pray and talk to God about it . . .b/c although God already knows all of this is going on . . . and can see what is happening in the spiritual world. . . that with Alec (my son) talking about it with the LORD, it deepens his relationship with Him. Then I told him he MUST fight Satan with God's words OUT LOUD. So last night as I myself drifted off to sleep I could hear my the voice of my boy reading God's word out loud. I know he did this for at least an hour.

I think my son is coming to an age where he can no longer live off my faith or my hubby's faith. . . his faith must be JUST that . . . his faith.

Although we have an enemy who is seeking whom he may devour. . . we have an even bigger God who is mighty to save!!!

My in-laws have been out of town for about a week. I was talking with my MIL today and just giving her a brief summary of all that is going on here. I told her I felt our family was under attack. She said she definitely knew they were under attack and so is my SIL . . . and began to tell me how.

Then, since we have been on Big Time Budget 2009 the wheel of my car messes up ($300 fix), Jon had a bad tooth (no dental insurance) that had to be pulled, Alec's wrist deformity??? Our family hardly EVER sees the doctor. . . . that is just more and more $$$ going out the door. We are faithful in our tithing (see Malachi 3:10) so I know that is NOT the issue.

Yet, all the while I have never, ever had such a hunger for God's word and to memorize His word than I do know. I'm reminding myself of what I told Alec last night, "Satan doesn't bother anyone who isn't a threat."

Move, Moving, Moved!!!

Anyone wondering why the influx of about 10 posts over the last two days?  They were all stored in my drafts and I needed to get them out of drafts and into published.

Why, you ask?

Attention! Attention!!!

Read all about it!

Mama in High Heels has moved.

I will now be blogging at my new blog.  Here is where you can find us.

http://www.ouradventurebook5.blogspot.com/

She's still a little under construction and probably will be for several weeks.  I don't want it to hold up on my blogging though.

Why the new blog?

Well come over here and join me and see!!

Port Saint Joe

It's Memorial Day weekend so you know what that means?  It means my friend, Faith, has a camping trip planned and has invited all of us to come along.  This time?? Port Saint Joe - one of her family's favorites.

We used trees as a clotheslines

These were some of the best burgers Jon has grilled despite the gritty sand here and there.

Unfortunately my girls have my skin which means they get burned despite the bottles and bottles of sunscreen we use on them.  They were so burned our crew had to head to town and escape the heat.  There is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING around PSJ. . . so we paid $30 for ice cream.

We went and found some really cool sea creatures at the bay.

Alec was so very sleepy.  The night before we didn't sleep well.  He went to the van to sleep.  Jon and I both were up at 3:00 a.m. just laughing and talking.  It was too hot to sleep.

All of our girls made this from the seaweed covering the beach.

We did go and have a pizza outing one day.  Hungry Howies.  I don't know what was better . . . the pizza or the escape from the heat!

Hanna got a hold of my camera, and this is what happened.. . .

We played cards which is one of our family's favorite things to do.  The Lawrences taught us a new card game.

One afternoon I took all the girls to go to the beach to fly kites.

I had all the little girls (Lane, Maelee, and Rachael) make up signature poses.

This is the Rachael.

This is the Maelee

This is the Lane.

That night I was so sleepy but the boys were having a good time playing cards.

And the kids were as well. . . except they were playing "Spoons".

Next morning? Kiddos fast asleep.