Dear Blogger

I know I haven't been very faithful to you in these last few weeks. There has been much going on that I don't want to forget . . . and I want to jot down . . . so when I'm old and gray I can look back at these words and recall this season in my life.


I have lots to stay and lots to blog about. I just haven't been "into it" lately. To my blogger friends, I've been reading your blogs and staying involved in your lives. . .I just don't have any words right now.


I think I'm just tired . . . really tired. Last week was a rough week with me trying to be a juggler of all things . . . I had so many balls in the air and I couldn't keep them all in sync . . . they were piling on top of me very rapidly.


It is hard . . . working and homeschooling . . . especially when you work at home . . . because you still feel like a stay-at-home mom . . . because that is what you do . . . stay at home. This week work has really demanded my attention more so than ever.


So many times I feel like I can handle it all . . . and then I crash . . . and normally with crashing comes tears and, unfortunately, complaining and griping. I know God does not honor my complaining and griping. . . I have to learn to not hold so much in and learn express my emotions and frustrations in a healthy way . . . a way that honors my Lord. . . . a way that doesn't look like Mt. Vesuvius is erupting.


Options and solutions are offered by those near and dear to me . . . yet, the thing is at this stage in life I HAVE to work. My husband is stuck in the middle of whether to continue his business full time . . . a very successful business (through God's grace). . . yet a business that scares him because of the current state of our economy . . . that is option A or option B is find a full-time job. He has applied and searched and applied and searched . . . yet NOTHING, NOTHING. Not even a phone call for an interview.


I don't know what God is up to. . . but I know that He does, and that alone gives me so much strength and confidence.


But my income is really needed right now as all is in limbo with Jon's career. God has shown me through this very trying time that it is not a job that provides for us . . . but it is He Himself and no other. He may provide us with a job to provide for us . . . but it ALL comes from Him.


So while I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and so desperately want to just teach my children and throw all of my efforts and energy into teaching them . . . I can't . . . and I'm grateful for the job I have. Even though at times I literally hate it and it stinks . . . I'm still grateful and will continue to be.


Jon wants me to quit just as much as I do, but God gives us wisdom . . . and right now the best thing is is that I keep my job and just learn to rest in God and Him alone. . . It would be so very foolish to quit my job because of my emotions . . . the fact that is what I want. . . .but obviously God has something better in store . . . because all things work ultimately for His glory and my good because I love my Lord and am called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)


Rest is hard to come by these days. Very rarely do I find myself entering the bed until 10:00 and then as soon as I close my eyes I hear the sound of the alarm clock. I wake up and feel as if my eyes have only been closed for 5 minutes. I get up and work. Honestly, when I'm finished working I'm pretty pooped. I just need more than 6 hours of sleep at night . . . especially now that I'm running 30+ miles a week.


A few months ago I was having some minor health issues. The doc didn't know about my hectic schedule, but as he started to question me his eyes grew wide. He informed me that I needed at least 7 hours of sleep (being as busy as I am) but he would prefer me to have 8.


I was a good girl for awhile . . . and I'm telling you an hour more worth of sleep makes all of the difference in the world. I started thinking about it the other day. Basically getting 6 hours of sleep a night 7 days a week . . . that means I'm losing out on an hour of sleep that my body needs, which equates to a full night's worth when I add up all 7 days. It's rough some days, but God never promised us easy.


I'm so very incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful and loving man. He wants me to not be so tired and to be free from the pressure of working 10-12 hour days (that is my schedule with work plus homeschooling). But he knows what must be done for our family, and I know if he could take this pressure from me, he would. I had a friend of mine tell me recently that she loves the way she sees him constantly touching me . . . that it was like an admiration he had for me. Her sweet words stuck in my heart and my head . . . I'd never really thought about it that way . . . but obviously those around you can see things about your life that you're oblivious to. I don't deserve this sweet-hearted, gentle husband of mine, but, again. . . I'm living a fairy tale dream . . . a dream that can only be made possible because of God's grace.


So that is where I am . . . where I've been. I do miss blogging and commenting . . . but I'm just dry right now. I'm very grateful for my job though . . . it allows me to fulfill God's calling on my life. . . to be at home . . nurturing and educating my children . . . instructing them in the fear and admonition of the LORD. If that means I have to go without sleep . . . then so be it. I am my God's servant . . . to serve Him as He pleases in whatever way that may be.